"Mommy Smile"

Tonight I was laying in our bed with Courtney watching TV when she said and did something that just broke my heart. She looked at me and said, "Mommy smile.". Then she took my face in her hands and said "Smile!". This might not mean anything to anyone but it meant a lot to me. She was asking me to smile, because it has been a while since she has seen mommy smile and have fun. It just tore me up, I wanted to cry right there but I forced as smile to please my little girl, but I wasn't smiling on the inside.

These last two weeks I have not been happy. I'm having a really tough time with Courtney. Her new pattern of not staying in bed is wearing so much on me that I'm having a really hard time being happy. She is also not listening well at all and i find myself repeating commands over and over. Before this new pattern we had a good schedule, I was getting things done and we were moving along and I had some free time that I could play with the girls. Now I'm spending 20-60 min each naptime and then again at bedtime putting her back in bed. She is also up an hour and a half earlier every day. I don't mean to be selfish, but I am. That's my time! Between cleaning, taking care Ben and the baby I don't have any time for myself let alone to romance my husband. It makes me sad and exhausted.

Tonight was no different. I fed Caylee, then actually put her to sleep in the crib. I decided to try putting Courtney down later hoping maybe she'd be more tired, so I let her stay up and watch some TV. By the time I got back from putting the baby down, gone maybe 30 sec, Courtney had taken of her PJs and diaper and then peed all over my good chair. I was furious with her. This is also something new to take off get diaper. I have told her probably 20 times just today not to take it off and 8 of those were minutes before. I watched some TV with her and then we prayed and I told her I would take her to bed.

I put her in bed and next followed 50 min of her repeatedly getting out. I followed the "nanny" method as best I could. No eye contact and just lead her back to bed. I did take her potty a few times, spanked her once and I think I did great not losing my patience. But I was literally on my knees tears rolling down my cheeks and praying for the Lord's wisdom in front of her door. She would get out of bed and scream all the way to the door. I would lead her bad and she would scream and cry all the way back. She got to the point where she would run to the door, peep it open and run crying back to her bed. She finally gave up and fell asleep.

Caylee slept thru it all! That was the Lord's grace for me tonight. No child could sleep thru all that craziness.

How much longer? How do I smile thru this? I know it's a short season, but my toddler should not notice me unhappy like this.

I may have had one break thru moment. I decided to start putting her down for naps earlier since she is waking up so early. So I did 15 min earlier and it seemed to work. Though her naps have been about an hour and a half shorter.

Courtney, Ben and my Caylee Love- I promise that tomorrow I will smile as much as possible.